Declined: Part 1

Suddenly the chimney's warmth entered my consciousness. I slapped my alarm before it could further disturb my roommates. 7:00 in bright red LED. I shot a quick glance at the other three beds that hugged the Western wall of our remodeled attic, a hardwood barracks. Fro's big curly top swung around at me and then settled back to rest. Dunkin laid unmoved by my rustling. Adam's sheets were flung back revealing a freshly emptied nest. He must be off on an early morning run before work, I thought to myself as I climbed out of bed, crouched under the slanted ceiling, and made my way to the stairs.

I descended to the kitchen, thankful once again for the wood-burning stove we'd installed in the fall. I glanced out the kitchen window into an all-too-familiar Wisconsin scene. The morning sky hung dim and gray over the stale carpet of snow.

I emptied the dishwasher, poured some Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and absently enjoyed it at the dining room table. I grabbed one of my roommates daily Bibles and thumbed through it while the steady hum of Fro's fish tank accompanied my thoughts. "It is hard for you to kick against the goads." Hmmm. Figure out that little nugget, Saul.

"Good morning, today is February 2nd, 2010. There are no changes," Brieghton sang through my cell phone as I rinsed my bowl and headed up to the shower. Her daily prerecorded message always brought a little apprehension. My schedule for the week had me working with Jenny and Leda this morning and Nick this afternoon - a slam dunk of a day, if you ask me. But because of how quickly things can be shuffled around at a place like CSN, I could still end up anywhere. Hell, I could end up spending the day with Karl. The thought stopped me for a second.

I'd been at CSN for almost exactly a year. Was it really that long? I'd never imagined it as any more than a temporary gig, but then again... working as a "Job Coach" at all hadn't entered my mind until a week before I had started. I thought back to those first months when I was out with clients at job sites all day. Everything was new. Spending the day with adults with developmental disabilities. Studying and writing incident reports. Being "on" and "alert" for the whole day... Now I got the opportunity to work on technology projects for a couple shifts each week. I also got to regularly lead music therapy with Carson. Non-profits are exciting like that - share what you love and fit it in however you can.

The hot water shook me free. How long had I been standing in the shower? I pulled back the curtain and glanced at the clock: Time to go. Clothes. Lunch. Out the door.

My hands raced the Camry for warmth. Settling for a stalemate, I attempted to rub the numbness from my hands as my car sputtered down the alley. I had promised myself that last winter would be my final one in Wisconsin, and mornings like this laughed and pointed at me for failing to follow through.

And with that thought I wrestled for the remainder of the short drive. At once, I drifted back to early May. My life's surface looked basically the same then as it did now, but underneath the maelstrom had churned. It was one of those moments - one of those critical, defining, go-big-or-go-home moments - when life's road splits and you're left facing two mysterious futures staring back impatiently as if the choice should be clear to you.

I continued on Fish Hatchery over the Beltline. Almost to Luann Lane. Almost to work. While sitting on the Teach For America wait-list since January 20th, I had been building a nice in-the-meantime life in Madison. The funny thing was that by May 7th the meantime had begun to feel an awful lot like home. So when I received my acceptance letter from TFA that day, the internal conflict had come to a head.

"Houston. Generalist 4-8." Wait, I could be teaching Elementary School? In Houston? Not what I had pictured at all. I don't know anything about Houston. What if I have to teach science? My mind raced and my heart pounded - I remember like it was yesterday. The "fight or flight" juices boiled.

I vowed to make my choice over the weekend, because if I decided to accept, things needed to happen quickly if I was going to be in Houston four weeks later. I had driven up to Neenah to relax and spend some time with my parents while the decision fermented. And then I had received Palma's e-mail...

A pounding at my window tore me back to reality. My car sat idling in the parking lot - my mind had been swimming while my coworkers slowly arrived. Steph waved and laughed when she realized she'd startled me, and something about it made me laugh too.